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Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Getting a Few things off my chest while im high...

Okay, dont judge me but I love marijuana. Im not a lazy stoner, I like to smoke a little bit and write, draw, listen to npr and watch documentaries haha! Im also a student and I get excellent grades! (I dont smoke when I go to class!)

Anyways, I bring this up because tonight I drew a picture that I would like to talk about. Im not an artist and I'm not someone who says their not an artist but really, they think they are......I am really not an artist haha! Those random elephants that can paint do a better job than me! :) So the drawing looks like a crazy six year old drew it.

Before I go into detail, let me tell you about my life lately. I moved to Alaska about a month ago and I now live with my dad. I cannot WAIT to get out of this house with my dad(its a long story but pretty much he and I never got a long growing up and we didnt talk for a while------theres a great school in alaska that I got accepted into and I was suppose to move in with him so we could work on our relationship -----> Its NOT going well........my dad is still the same asshole he was when I was younger.) Add being 5000+ miles away from the boyfriend that im crazy about, missing all my friends and family AND not having many friends here because I just moved here.... all of that together has put a huge toll on me. I am pretty depressed. Actually, I have never been this depressed in my entire life. Im really depressed. I am not saying this for sympathy, so dont feel bad for me. I need to admit this to myself. I normally am so happy and so crazy about life but not so much since Ive been to Alaska. School is starting in 5 days and I start work in 2 days, so im sure ill make some friends and when I get some money from work maybe ill get my own place and get out of this situation but I must admit that I am really fucking depressed.

So back to my picture, I drew it when I was really high. Sometimes I hide my emotions and smoking helps me get them out. Being depressed now has made me realize that I still havent let out a lot of things from when I was younger. I had the shittiest childhood and Ive never really gotten over it. I never really realized that I wasnt over it until recently I guess.

I started drawing what I felt. At first, I didnt know what I wanted to draw, I just really wanted to use the colors red and orange. I drew fire, lots of red and orange fire flames, then I added blue and green and just kept drawing flames. Then I drew me over the fire because thats how I feel right now, I feel so uncertain and so unhappy and so scared. I also drew myself holding a bong because I am a pot head and I dont know if I am happy about that. I dont want to smoke pot forever.  Right next to me I drew a beer bottle. I like beer better than any other drink, I know why does a girl like beer....I dont know but I love beer (good beer not shitty bud light) but I drew a beer bottle because I drink occasionally (dont drink and smoke though! thats a bad combination! trust me!) Then I drew a pot leaf and another bong just because these things make me feel happy when im depressed.

Then, I started seeing things from my childhood that made me so angry. The first thing I drew was my two pairs of lips. One being open and the other being half open. The completely open one resembled my dad and how all he ever did when I was younger was yell at me. I was never good enough and he literally treated me like shit even though I was a great person. He use to call me fat and stupid and just yell. It would make me so angry. He would yell at me in front of everyone, my friends, my family, everyone and it was so embarrassing, like I couldn't do anything right. People would always ask me what was wrong with my dad, I had so many counselors and teachers ask me if everything was okay because they heard him freak out on me. He was an asshole. He never yelled at my sisters the way he yelled at me. I could never figure it out. Even my mom says he was always more harsh towards me (btw, my parents are divorced now-thank god!) The earliest insult I can remember came from him. I was getting some ice water and I pressed the button on the fridge that gives you water and he thought I was opening the fridge, (mind you I was like 7 or 8) he got up out of his chair and SCREAMED at me. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. are you eating?? HUH! YOUR FAT. PEOPLE ARE GOING TO MAKE FUN OF YOU. DO YOU WANT THEM TO CALL YOU NAMES? HUH? FATTY. FATTY. FATTY.FATTY. I remember being CRUSHED. It hurt me so bad. and you know what dad, FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. When I was a kid I thought I deserved it because I was fat but FUCK YOU because it wasn't my fault that I was and you should never treat a child like that you asshole. I would NEVER treat my future kids like that. FUCK YOU. I drew a big X over his lips. I also drew a man screaming and yelling...theres an X over that too. Actually, theres 6 Xs over him.

The next is a small pair of lips, this is being my mom. My mom is a wonderful mom ---------> now. However, she wasn't when I was a teenager. Around 7th grade she just kind of stopped caring. My parents would always leave me alone for days and go somewhere like their beach house or on vacation, I had to grow up fast. But with my mom, she stopped sticking up for me with my dad. All they did was argue and she thought sticking up for me would cause an argument when my dad would yell, so she never said anything anymore.  She also argued with me and yelled at me a lot too, not about my weight but about something I did, even if it was an accident and it made me so mad, I was never good enough. My mom and I are okay now, after my parents divorced she apologized for everything and shes there now and we fight but its normal for moms and daughters I guess haha. Theres an X over her lips too.

The next thing I drew was my sister emily. Jumping up in a short dress holding a joint and a beer bottle. I love my sister Emily so much. She has been through so much, her real dad died when she was 6 and she's moved around a lot and she's been through a lot but she's the one who made me want to be so bad when I was younger. I would see her, she is SO PRETTY. I mean she could be a model, she's GORGEOUS. She's got pretty long brown hair, she's SUPER skinny, she's got pretty brownish green eyes...there were always beautiful guys at our house chasing after her haha! Emily was 4 years older than me and was a huge partier. She made drinking and smoking look so cool! We would even share cigarettes together. She introduced me to everything....cigaretts, pot, drinking...everything. Granite, I dont smoke cigarettes anymore(even though sometimes I do crave them!!) and I dont drink a lot and emily doesnt smoke pot or cigarettes anymore...shes actually married and calmed down a lot but growing up she was a wild child! She would go to Bonarroo and follow widespread panic around. The reason she is on here is because she made it look like so much fun. She made me want that lifestyle so bad. I craved it. I was wearing shirts that REAKED of marijuana to school when I was in 8th grade and smoking cigarettes all the time in middle school and parts of high school. I wanted to be her. I wanted to get high and drunk and follow bands around because she made it look like so much fun. I wanted that. I got part of that life style, I had fun drinking and partying and I love smoking pot now. My sister is on this paper because she is a huge reason why I did all of it. Im not blaming her. She was young herself and didn't know the example she was setting and was just as lost as I feel that I am right now and I would never tell her any of this but she really is a huge reason why I am this way. My other sister had a big influence with it too...I mean her favorite bands were radiohead and pink floyd and she always smoked pot too haha but she never did in in front of me that often. I was a huge reason for this too I dont want to blame her solely, I mean I hung out with the wrong people and I made all of my own decisions, no one ever forced me. I did a lot of crazy shit when I was young. Once, I tried smoking adderall....now im like, why the fuck did I try that. That could've killed me. but I felt so invincible at that age.

The last thing that I drew and the hardest was a huge mentor of mine, Dori. Dori became my mentor when I was 13, she was the youth pastor at my church and she really took care of me. I looked up to her so much. She kept me out of doing a lot of crazy things. She kept me from hating myself. She kept me sane when my parents were being ridiculous. She never judged me, she treated me like a sister. She would pick me up and we would get coffee or dinner and hang out all the time. I loved being around her, she was so nice and she had her entire life under control. She made me realize that I can be a better person. The reason Dori is on here is because when I turned 15, I got into a lot of trouble and did a lot of stupid things and Dori was there for the first part of it and she helped me so much. Then she moved midway through it all, which is when everything started to get SO WORSE. I wasn't mad at her for moving, infact, Dori and I always talked on the phone a lot, so I expected we would still talk a lot. I was hurt because when I really, really needed her I felt like she wasn't there. It wasn't her fault. She was in another city with a really hard job and a lot of stress AND she had just gotten married. I just really needed her and we didnt talk that much and it just keeps getting worse. Recently, we went about a year without talking and for a few of those months in that year, I kept texting her and she never texted back and it hurt so bad. It really hurt me. Its not her fault, I know. I just saw her in fact, I was going through Chicago when I was driving to Alaska and I stayed with her for 3 days and hung out with her for a little bit. It was great seeing her and it was SO NICE that she offered her house to me but even seeing her now, its not the same anymore. She missed out on so much and when we talk about our lives its hard for me to try to tell her whats going on because it was a time when I really needed her. I just dont want to talk about it so its just kind of weird...you know... I still love her so much and she's a great friend and its not her fault.

It feels so good to get that off my chest because I havent dealt with these issues for a while, or at least admitted them to myself.

Thanks for reading.

" Here I am pouring my heart onto these rooftops. Just a ghost to the world, thats exactly what I need."

Friday, August 12, 2011

People will do anything to not feel lonely

I think its crazy the lengths people will go to not feel lonely. My dad meets a girl and the next week they are living together. He just broke up with his last girlfriend! People are so desperate sometimes. Now hes all upset because he doesn't think its going to work out.


One that is true and genuine love. One that makes me want to write Dakotah loves "__" all over my papers. One that makes me jump on Oprah Winfreys couch. One that Taylor Swift can write a song about! One that makes me feel like an 80s teenage love movie!

I felt that with my first love. I wanted to do all of those things. It was true and innocent. It was real and it was strong. It is still there. That love will always be there and sometimes I wonder if I will ever experience a love like that again in my life.

Right now I feel so lost. My life is going by so fast. Time is speeeeeeeeding up.

I dont know what I should be doing.. Ive never felt so lost.

I listen to sad songs just to throw myself into a sadder mood. I hang out with friends but the whole time Im think of how shitty my life is and how I would rather be sitting home alone listening to sad Elton John and Coldyplay records.

Im not changing my life. Im simply floating by. I secretly love where im at and I also secretly hate it. I feel so many emotions and im capable of so many things yet my feet are stuck in the ground. Im too afraid to grow up. I think im going to end up like Peter Pan. Sometimes I feel like im going to die early. I dont know why. I want to live forever. I want to live. I want to live. I have so much life in me. I dont want to miss out on anything.