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Monday, April 18, 2011

First Post

Here it is. My first post. My first post on my millionth blog website. Its funny how things change. LiveJournal use to be in. WordPress use to be in. Myspace use to be in and now I guess its Blogger.

Thank God MySpace isn't in anymore....I was so sick of seeing sparkly butterfly pages everywhere. I also like not having my computer crash because someone has 10000s of random pictures and quizzes that no one bothers to read on their page.
I use to post blogs because I wanted people to hear how I was doing. I wanted people to care. I wanted people think I was a good writer. I wanted more "followers." Now I really don't give a shit. I'm not going to post everyday saying today was good because I went to this museum or did this. No, there are Facebook statuses for that. I'm going to write whatever I feel like.

I'm going to apologize in advance. My mind is so ADD that Ill think of a thought and then go off onto another subject...it makes my writing scattered and it goes everywhere. I'm also really bad with punctuation and all of that mess..

Lets start off with me. Lets jump inside my brain. I'm a college student. Well, I say that but I'm actually not in college right now even though I should be. I was but I'm taking this semester off (what a dumb idea that was-the real world sucks, I want to go back to my classrooms and coffeehouses). I will be going back to school in August...to Alaska. Yeah Alaska for college...I'm from Savannah, GA...raised here most of my life. Still living here now..so why am I going to Alaska? I could tell you that it is because of my major- Environmental Science(Alaska has a good ES school) and I am majoring in that.. but lets be real, I don't care at all about their program. I'm just going to get away. the truth is, the only reason I'm majoring in Environmental Science is because I find it the most interesting subject that I have studied and I am passionate about it.Will I ever use it? I don't know...

I don't know what I want to do with my life...actually I do. You see.....I want to travel forever...I want to work random and odd jobs for the rest of my life in different states, countries, and continents...jobs that don't require a degree....jobs that give me spending money......but I can't say that out loud......that's not acceptable in our society. I have to work hard and become a Doctor or a Lawyer or some other bullshit job that I will never be smart enough to get (lets be real...). For now, ill stick with the traveling.

If you really want to know me, here it is.

My name is Dakotah. I spent 18 years spelling my middle name wrong. I have 2 dogs. I love Dateline. Every time I take a photo I think "I hope this will look good on Facebook."I make situations very awkward. My doctor tried to give me diet pills because he thinks that I am too fat. I have the worlds worst road rage. I listen to music way too much. My favorite movie is American Beauty and my favorite food is pineapples. Oh, and I think that all of the medical and social issues in the world will be solved by DR. Mari Juana. That's really all that matters.

I hope by now that you do not think that I am a uncaring, ruthless individual because I'm really not. I love people. I accept everyone and I try not to judge people. (lets be real...everyone judges everyone...its human nature. I just try to stop myself when I realize that I am doing it) I believe in beauty. I believe there is beauty in everyone and in everything. Ricky Fitts said it best, "Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in." That's how I feel about life. This makes it hard for me as well. Sometimes I feel that life is too hard to live up to because of all the beauty Ive seen. How can I live up to any of it? Suddenly, I feel so small in this huge world.

Have you ever seen the movie or read the book, "Into the Wild?" The one where the guy burns all of his money, abandons his car and his family to go on this adventure trip to Alaska? A big part of me really envies that guy. Why? Is it because he burned his money and lived without his car and cell phone? No. That is the easy part. The part that I envy is that he didn't contact anyone that he knew. He left and started a different life. No one knew him, he had a fresh start. I want that. I love so many people, I have a lot of friends...so why would I want to leave them all? I don't know. I just know that I am envious of him for doing that. Sometimes I feel like it would help everyone and myself if I disappeared and lived in some remote rain forest or something. I'm not crazy or suicidal or anything like that. I just feel that it would be better. It's not really something that I can explain... 



Have you ever heard of Post Secret? Its a book filled with postcards that people mailed into this Post Secret place with their "secrets" on it. A bunch of them are sad, "I was raped", or "People think I am horrible for telling my child there is no Santa but they don't have to look into their eyes on Christmas morning." and there are some funny ones like "I like to spit in my bosses coffee" or (one of my favorites) "When my boyfriend spanks me, the inner feminist inside of me weeps...but it just feels so damn good", "Sometimes I feel like I'm cheating on my boyfriend.....when I sleep with my husband"



This is the one that's always stuck with me: "Everyone who knew me before 9/11 believes that I am dead." That one sticks out because that person understands me. I know its weird. I know. I really do know. I don't want people to think that I am dead but sometimes I just wish that I could disappear. I don't know why I feel like this. Its the craziest thing. I think I let my mistakes get me more than anything or anyone else. I'm hardest on myself. If no one knew me, they wouldn't know my past or any of that. People do forgive but people don't forget.

Mistakes.Mistakes.Mistakes. I hate that word. I hate it. If that word is in a sentence, its not going to be a good sentence. "Your a mistake." "I'm sorry boss but I made a mistake." "I'm sorry but you've mistaken me for someone else." Most people don't even use the word "mistake" anymore.... "My Bad, My Bad" I've made some huge mistakes before in my life. Opps...My bad. Killer ones. My bad. I mean really bad ones. My bad.
Would I change them? I don't know.

I'd love to say that they have made me who I am (they have) but who would I be if I hadn't made them?

I am a good person.

Does anyone else feel so distant from their family? I do.


Sometimes I just want someone to punch me to remind me that I am human...because sometimes, I forget.

I keep searching and experiencing so many different feelings. I'm waiting for the right feeling. I'm waiting for the gut-in-stomach-punch-feeling to happen to me. I don't know what its going to mean or what I'm suppose to do when I feel it. But I feel like that is what I'm wondering around searching and looking for.

Have you ever sat in a coffee shop or taken a train, maybe a bus or even ridden the subway into the city? Maybe your listening to music or typing on your computer or whatever...but have you ever had that feeling of being alone but its a feeling that you like? Its not a depressing feeling, its just you and the world. Maybe an indie rock song or a Coldplay song comes on......and you feel so disconnected from everyone......but at the same time you feel so connected to yourself? It's like your in this huge world but it doesn't feel so small anymore. I feel like that all the time.





I am a very happy person.
I am not lucky, I am blessed.  




6 comments:

  1. Into the Wild is one of my favorite books. McCandless lived a short but adventurous life fueled by his love of the wild outdoors. You could always take this path after the degree book learnin’ thing. Some trailheads (like advanced education) are harder to start later in life than others. Really dig the background picture by the way.

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  2. woaaahhh thats a really long postt.... very interesting though :)

    I totally get the feeling you were talking abou tin the last paragraphh ... i love taking rides somewhere, just me and my ipod and listening to music and looking out the window.. wishing the journey would never end....

    nice blog, im going to follow :)

    http://whats--hot.blogspot.com

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  3. Thanks to you both, I love feedback!

    I so envy McCandless and his adventure(even though it was short and lets face it.. pretty horrific... if he could speak, I wonder what he would say about it?) You are most certainly right, I should definitely finish my education first before I do anything like that (McCandless finished his first too) but I'm just always looking for the next big thing. I love college, I love learning, researching, studying...all of that...but after a while it just gets so boring..

    Im glad im not alone in sharing that feeling...I love it, its just you and the world... it makes me feel so alive.

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  4. Frank Warren from Postsecret is such an amazing person. When i read the secrets in his books or on the Postsecret website it makes me feel so connected to the people who wrote them.
    That's the kind of thing i'd like to do with my life. Something that means something to someone.

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  5. I admire your writing, great post ! I cant wait to read more!

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  6. I really like your post. You're a lot like me, going a lot of places, but know exactly what your saying. Totally agree about taking rides, especially in the country where I'm not familiar with. Learn something everyday when you do that. :) Nice Blog, I'm gonna follow

    dhaddan.blogspot.com :)

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